The Thing Is..

I decided i would be more open this time, which is extremely hard for me because i keep to myself in my personal life really. Except for a handful of best friends & my mom.

I’m at an age (ahem) where i feel like i should completely know what i want to be, what i want to do, whom I’d like to marry, etc etc. I must report that i don’t know, any of it. I am working so hard for where i want to be (and i have already come so far from where i was last year at this time) and what i would like to do but there is always that smidge of doubt that if not careful could totally consume you.

I think i don’t do well in a relationship because i am not a clingy person, i actually love my personal space. I wasn’t always like this but as I’ve grown and gotten to know myself, i find myself needing some free time. I feel like this song from Maren Morris speaks to me in that sense.

I have extremely bad social anxiety so parties, concerts, loud noises and events like that put me on edge. I will check out local bands but there is no guarantee i will stay until the last set is played and the gear is packed.

I love kids but i find myself questioning if i will have one. I dont think i could handle it emotionally or mentally, which makes me feel a little selfish. I’m a couple of months away from an age that scares me to conceive because of complications. Well that, and because the though of being pregnant absolutely terrifies me. So much so i was sweating typing that.

I think i told you all of that to tell you this – it is ok not to know. You don’t have to plan everything and it turn out right. You have permission to be a mess, to express your opinion, own your personal style. In reality the only person who has to understand you, is you. Some people go their entire lives just winging it. We get caught up in the competition with our family members, best friends, or co-workers that we forget it is human like to be you.

Now go out there and make today great!

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18 thoughts on “The Thing Is..

  1. Thank you for writing such an honest post. I am very similar to you, I like my space, I do not like loud noises and crowds. But, my husband respects my space and my daughter is amazing to watch grow. Being pregnant was tough, but worth it.

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  2. I think it is absolutely OK to not know those answers. We’re always evolving and changing and sometimes even things we know the answers to can change. And that is totally ok!

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  3. I have anxiety and I am the worst when it comes to going to parties. I always need to go with someone that I trust and even then, I’m like a stage five clinger. I must follow them wherever they go. Totally awkward. But, I’m a total introvert so good luck with even trying to get me to go in the first place 😉
    I don’t think we need to know what we are doing all the time. We can be messy right where we are at in life. We should be allowed to. It’s our life after all and we are the ones who are going to live it. You keep doing you girl.

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  4. I’m married with kids, but I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I also look around sometimes and wonder how anyone let me be responsible for these kids. Thanks for such an honest post and look into your life and struggles. I think it’s really brave.

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  5. I love that Maren Morris song – well, I love her in general really.

    But as for your post – I completely agree! I don’t have things figured out. I can’t get a full time job in my field (I have a masters) so I’m just looking for SOMETHING at this point – I still work part time. so many people around me are getting married and/or having kids and I’m just over going “we’re so young.” I don’t know what my future holds – but that’s okay.

    -Lauren
    http://www.shootingstarsmag.net

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    1. I thought i was the only person who felt this way. It is a relief to know it’s not just me! It can be so hard when you feel like everything is so far away. I have so many people asking “are you married yet?” “Let me see a picture of your kid”. The look on their face is funny when i show them a picture of my cat in a dress, hah.

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  6. I admire candor and this post has it in abundance. It’s healthy to be honest about ourselves. And also to realize that few get the lives they predicted. Most of us are just struggling and, even at my age (59), still confused about what we want to be “when we grow up.” That’s okay. Enjoy the life you have; savor every experience; try to simply move in the direction of greater fulfillment. Blogging about this, so candidly, is a positive act.

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