The Day A Part Of Me Died

What we thought was a checkup for the stent that was placed in the connecting vein from the liver to the spleen that once gave us hope recanted its choice Tuesday afternoon.

The Day A Part Of Me Died

The afternoon was a lot different than the morning; at lunch the windows down in the car enjoying a book and feeling the warmer air dance through my windows. Around 3pm everything changed and we got hit with another devastating blow. My world my families world as I knew it was never going to be the same.

The Day A Part Of Me Died
My dad with his beautiful baby sister just a month ago.

Instead of passing in the hospital dad had requested to come home to await the end of his journey here on earth. The stent isn’t working to drain out the blockage that rendered us speechless only a few weeks ago. His body told us it had enough and was tired of fighting with 100% kidney failure.

We were told to take him home, give him the morphine along with an anxiety medication that was filled if he wanted to skip the morphine long enough to see family, make him as comfortable as possible until the cancer took him away.

The warrior that had taken on monsters in our closet, a 50+ ft fall, alcoholism, cirrhosis, and diabetes was tired and wavering. With heavy hearts, teary eyes, and trembling hands everyone let him know how much they loved him for being one of a kind.

The Day A Part Of Me Died
Dad & my brother after the tornado we survived. I was still in the hospital recovering.

My heart ached and broke in two looking into his eyes while he lay in bed. I wanted to take the pain, fear, and uncertainty from him and make it my own. I wanted him to feel only the peace and love that filled his room.

At 3:13pm Wednesday The 7th dad took his last breath gently falling to sleep while holding his sisters hand, me with my arms around his chest, a room full of family members that loved him so much we could burst.

I’ve learned a lot from my dad; to be strong was one of those things. Every time I thought I’d lose it I’d pull over my hoody then walk down to the creek in the backyard. I cried with everything in me a few times. That is pain I have never felt in my life.

I can’t explain the numb absent mindedness going on right now. I can’t focus, every thought is hazy; before I realize it I’m already fumbling through another one.

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38 thoughts on “The Day A Part Of Me Died

  1. The loss of a parent is always difficult. I lost my mother and afterward dad left us as well. Mom was born on Christmas Day and she has been gone 21 years and it is still a difficult day for me. Mothers Day and Fathers Day are bittersweet. Memories remain and we cherish them.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Loss is so hard. There really aren’t words that make it better. I have written several posts about my own grief journey that i have gone through after losing my cousin inheriting her kids. I will tell you that it is a lot like being in a tunnel, but you eventually will come out the other side. Just give yourself time and permission to do what you need to do. Here’s a post i wrote about muy own journey: http://www.nailingjellotoatree.com/how-long-lord/

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  3. Awwww I am so very, very sorry. How terribly sad. I’ve only just seen your blog but look forward to reading more and finding out a little about you. How lovely for your dad to have had all his wonderful family with him at the end. Try and switch your mind off for a little while every day so that these raw feelings of devastating loss don’t overwhelm you. It sounds trite, but watching a trashy film is sometimes good just to ease the pain, if only for an hour or so. Time helps. Thinking of you and may I send you a big hug through cyber space. 🌼🌼🌼❤️☀️☀️

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Very touching and so special that u could find the words to put this together.. May u soon find peace within. Love u all . May God be with u , keep u safe and Bless u all.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh my heart breaks for you. I lost my dad almost 5 years ago to cancer, and it’s the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.It’s a strange thing to watch the man who has always been your protector slip away, and even stranger to live in a world without him. I am so very sorry for your loss, and I wish you peace in the months and years to come. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. So very sorry for your loss. It is so hard to lose our parents but we are blessed when we can be there with them as they take their last breath. ♥ I lost my Dad to cancer 27 years ago and my Mom 5 years ago. They are in my thoughts and heart every single day. Treasure your memories forever.

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  7. I’m so sorry for your loss but glad you were all able to be there with him when he left the physical world. I believe their spirits are always around so look for the signs. Big and small.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Thank you for putting into words what I can still feel at the loss of my parents. I did not appreciate them until I knew and understood what I had lost…from that I try to make sure that I appreciate each day and those that God has placed in my day. No matter how I do not see the need sometimes. The loss does not really go away or get easier as “they” say but it is a matter of the pain dulling a bit and the memories overshadowing that pain. It has been 20 years since my mom went home and there are still times that something happens and I think…Wait till I call mom! And then I remember. It is the same with my dad…but we were closer than what mom and I were but keep sharing your heart and remember the good times….and doing what you are doing now…write it down day by day and remember the good times along the way. You are in my thoughts. You can make it through this.

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  9. It is a big journey, but a brave one for all the family to touch something so heartfelt.
    He is in a beautiful place, and he left you with something that is beyond any gift, the empathy and love in his life that has touched you all ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  10. So sorry for your loss Leslie:( Nevertheless do remember that he lives IN you and through YOU. Each one of your acts reflects what he taught and valued. You seem like a kind hearted person—which refers back to the gifts he nurtured in you. Celebrate your papa and share with the world more of the beautiful lessons that he gave you:) And on those special occasions (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.) celebrate him with joy in your heart and a shared memory on your wonderful blog:) What we truly are endures—the body is just a vessel, but the spirit contained in it is freed and remains with us once the body has retired. Be blessed and be a blessing by sharing your amazing heart and mind. Your father must be enjoying all the great attention his daughter is bringing his way:)🙏

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Hi! I am so sorry for your lost. We lost my dad back in Oct. of 1997 & after all these years it is still a blank stare. I know people are different but I had to deal with the grief by deciding to never go back to his grave because I was so distraught. Now I can cope better & I often pass by where we had to leave him & say with great joy & peace…Hey Mr. Lee-Lee we miss you. It was harder to even visit throughout the years so I just chose to walk away to never return. People grieve differently so take care ot yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I lost my Dad in 2004. Your words touched my heart. I remember watching my Dad, my hero, look weak and scared. I wanted nothing more than to ease his pain and make him comfortable. My Dad was bigger than life and this world just isn’t the same without him in it. My heart breaks for you and your family. May God comfort and keep you. Thank you for sharing your heart.

    Liked by 2 people

  13. Your like on my post brought me here. You’re the very first person to like any post of mine. All I can say is wow. I also lost my dad. He passed from cirrhosis. Crazy to believe it’s been 4 years. I read your bio and I can relate so much! I also live in NC and my cats are my life. Nice to know someone like me is out there.

    Liked by 1 person

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